


where the heart is

by Carrogath



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 14:47:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11899962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carrogath/pseuds/Carrogath
Summary: Satya encounters a problem in her relationship with Sombra, and finds her solution in architecture.





	where the heart is

“So, is this city like home to you?”

Sombra picked at her food in the cafeteria inside Vishkar’s New Delhi headquarters, a massive campus that rivaled in size only to the city of Utopaea further north. Owing to the relatively small number of Vishkar employees in comparison to the size of the building, the cafeteria looked deserted.

“In what sense?”

Satya, who took her lunch at noon, had eaten before Sombra’s arrival and was accompanying her while she ate. A few meters away a small cleaning robot was scrubbing the empty floors. They were surrounded by automated dispensers that would prepare and then deliver the food straight to the requester when they placed their order on the screens on each table, so there was no need to leave their seats. As usual, it was so quiet that Satya could hear the air conditioning, the movements of people and machines upstairs, and the traffic outside.

“More than Utopaea, I mean.” Sombra dropped her fork and stretched out her hands. “This is India, not Vishkar territory. You’ve been telling me for a while you wanted to expand your horizons—cast off your yoke, so to speak. The country outside of Utopaea might be a mess, but…” She placed her hands in her lap. “It’s not so tightly controlled.”

The question was a difficult one. Satya considered it. “Home, as in the particular physical location to which I feel the strongest emotional attachment?”

“Yeah.”

The robot whirred several meters to their left.

What was a “home” to other people? A place in which one’s family lived. By that definition, “home” to her would be in Hyderabad, and to be certain, she felt a sort of attachment to that city, but it was no longer where she lived. Her place of permanent residence was in Utopaea, Unit 7, Block 32, Sector 10, but she traveled so often she was rarely ever there. If Sombra had asked her where she felt most comfortable, it was at her work desk, at which she could focus on designing buildings and streets and neighborhoods as she pleased. Her work desk, however, traveled with her. “Nowhere in particular” was a non-answer.

“I feel at home wherever I am most able to focus on my work,” she responded.

“So your ‘home’ is kind of like… your job.” Sombra slouched and pinched her chin. “Interesting.” Her food was left untouched on her plate. Satya’s gaze drifted to it.

“Is the food not to your liking?”

She shrugged. “It’s OK, it’s just…” She glanced at it: chicken tikka, basmati rice and stewed vegetables. There was nothing apparently unappetizing about it. “It’s the atmosphere, man.” Sombra shook her head. “Like trying to eat at the dentist’s. I’ll check out some hole-in-the-wall place later.”

“You may not be able to stomach it,” said Satya.

“I’m willing take that risk.”

“Why did you ask me about my home?”

She leaned back in her chair, smiling lopsidedly. “I know you’re really particular about things. If the house isn’t perfect—and I know mine won’t be—you start getting all bothered and stuff. And if…” She paused and slumped over. “Never mind.”

“Sombra,” she said. “Finish your thought.”

“You’ve been making all these little allowances in your life for me, so I thought I should do the same.” Sombra looked up at her. “And Vishkar’s always so pristine and so quiet; you might be able to focus here, but it freaks me out.” She sat up and shifted her legs below the table. “I mean, we don’t see each other that often, and I’d like you to swing by my place at least once…”

“Then, you wish to arrange your lodgings so that I am more comfortable when I visit you?”

“Yeah.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “Among other things.”

“What other things?”

Sombra made deliberate eye contact, and then spoke. “I want to make my home yours.” Then she looked away and shut her eyes. “Goddammit, I’m such a sap…”

“You wish for us to move in together,” said Satya.

“Yeah,” she said, scornfully. “I _wish_. Doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen.” She pressed her fingers to her temple. “I don’t know,” she shook her head, “I don’t know if this is all gonna pan out for us or what, but as long as we’re still together, I want to at least make the effort to include you in my life, same way you do with me. I don’t want to make all these demands of you without at least…” her hand dropped from her forehead, “giving something back.”

“You’re frustrated,” Satya observed.

Sombra sat up. “I’ll tell you right now, my schedule looks nothing like yours. I’m doing what I can, really, but I can’t promise I’ll always be there,” she flattened her palms against the surface of the table, “so I have to do what I can now.”

She took a moment to interpret Sombra’s words. “Do you expect that we will not be able to communicate for a long period of time after today?”

“I don’t know.”

She paused before responding. “Then, can you estimate a time frame in which I will be able to visit your home?”

“I don’t know,” she said, again.

Satya scowled. “Is there something wrong?”

Sombra sighed and ran a hand over her face. “You know who I work for, _cariño_. I’m not exactly a model citizen. If the bad guys catch me—” she snapped her fingers— “boom. All the plans we made together? Gone.”

Something cold spread through Satya’s chest.

“I just wanted to do something nice while we still can.” She stood up from her seat. The robot was approaching them, now. “Anyway, we’ll figure all that out later. Let’s blow this joint.” She looked around. “Can’t wait to breathe air that doesn’t smell like disinfectant.”

 

* * *

 

She did not fully comprehend the meaning of Sombra’s words until weeks later, alone in her apartment in Utopaea after several days’ worth of meetings regarding the progress of her projects. Sombra had not responded to any of her messages then, and she did not have the time to process what that could have meant until Vishkar had finally allowed her the entire weekend to herself. When she had reached her apartment, she let exhaustion wash over her, and then showered, dried her hair and lay in bed.

To her knowledge, Sombra was almost always connected to the Internet. She responded to Satya’s messages anywhere between a period of twelve to seventy-two hours on average, but no later and generally no earlier. She understood Satya’s desire to receive a response within a certain period of time, and most of the time, she adhered to it. That had not been the case for the past three weeks.

Something was wrong. Though she tried to suppress her panic, it overwhelmed her. Not only had she not seen Sombra, Sombra had refrained from all contact with her. She sat up in bed and reached for her phone on the nightstand—a burner Sombra had given her so that their correspondences could be kept secret from Vishkar—and checked the date of Sombra’s last message to her: _22/06/77_. Today was July 24th.

Perhaps she had not received her messages? Satya knew that she had difficulty with social interaction; she had to invest an unusual amount of effort to gain back the same results that most people seemed to achieve with little difficulty. She had sent her at least a dozen messages in the past four weeks. They had all gone unanswered.

She stared at her phone screen, at the customized interface—purple to a distasteful degree—and at the trail of unanswered texts, and saw that the last one she had sent to Sombra was just this past Monday. It was a long paragraph about the status of her preliminary talks regarding the Hyderabad project.

She tapped the screen with her thumbnail, hesitating over whether to text her again. The reception might not have been the problem, but if it wasn’t that, then what? Had she done something to upset her?

The phone buzzed in her hands. She held it to her ear and answered it in English.

“Hello.”

“Satya.”

“Sombra,” she breathed, barely recognizing her own relief.

“Sorry, I… I had some things to take care of. I’ll make it up to you, promise. I saw your texts about the Hyderabad project. Good for you, you know? Going back to your roots. I’m kinda busy right now, but I should be able to see you soon. I’m sorry about this, _mi amor_. Wait for me, OK?”

“Sombra?” she said again. “Will you be all right?”

“O-of course! Don’t you worry; I’ll have this cleared up in no time.”

She wasn’t convinced. “Something happened to you.”

“Satya, trust me on this one. I know what I’m doing.” Sombra went silent, but when Satya checked her screen, she hadn’t hung up.

“You are being dishonest.”

“ _Puta_ , how come you pick up on this stuff right away but not when I’m trying to be nice? I-I mean, not you, you’re not a… I mean… Fuck.” Sombra muttered to herself in indistinct Spanish. “Three days, OK? Just give me three days. Seventy-two hours. I’ll explain myself then, I gotta go now.”

“All right,” said Satya.

“I love you,” said Sombra, and then hung up.

The conversation left her feeling uneasy. She slipped out of bed in her nightclothes and turned on the lamp by her work desk, booting up the projections. The fluids and pistons in her prosthetic arm rung in her ears. The projections looked too bright; the entire layout of the neighborhood looked wrong although she had been pleased with it a day before. Her head began to ache. Her chest ached.

Where was Sombra? What was she doing, and why was she not able to tell her? She knew going into the relationship that Sombra’s schedule was inconsistent and that they would not have much time for each other, but she seemed to be willing to change her behavior for Satya’s sake. She was unable to ascertain why Sombra was unable to fulfill that promise now; perhaps the circumstances were out of her control, but the thought did not reassure her. She was discomfited by the idea that Sombra might be trying to avoid her. For what purpose?

She turned off the projections and sat in the harsh light.

Was Sombra trying to protect her from a more powerful menace? Surely Vishkar would be able to intervene in that case. If she were afraid for Satya’s sake, then she only need say it. Sombra did not seem to trust her, and that bothered her. If Sombra claimed to love her, then should she not be able to trust her with this information? Did she find Satya lacking as a romantic partner?

Satya stared at the flat white surface of her desk. Upstairs, a tenant let out a harsh and sudden snore, and a lone hovercar hummed through the streets outside. Her prosthetic felt heavy, as if weighing down the bone and muscle it had been attached to.

Something did not make sense to her.

 

* * *

 

Her mood did not improve in the days following. Her temperament was unusually severe; she lacked patience for even the slightest mistakes. Her sleep was of poor quality and she struggled to keep track of her own schedule. She would lose herself in her own thoughts, walking around hallways in a daze before being rattled back into the present by a noise or passerby. Sombra missed the seventy-two hour mark by about five hours, and even then her only message was to ask Satya to wait three more days. Even objects that were perfectly symmetrical once measured seemed lopsided when she looked at them. Her bed felt empty, and there was a looming lack of presence that followed her around wherever she went. Vishkar had instructed her to seek counseling whenever she began to feel too stressed, but she did not want to have to explain to them that she was in a romantic relationship with a criminal. Sombra wanted as little contact with Vishkar as possible, and Satya respected her wishes.

Her heightened stress levels did not evade Vishkar’s notice for long, however.

She was called back to the Utopaea headquarters on the 6th of August, to meet with Sanjay Korpal. Whereas she normally felt neutral toward him, today she understood that she was called back to his office because of her poor performance and felt hostile.

He had on an impartial smile. Behind him, windows provided a clear view of the city below. His computer screens were translucent by choice; she could see the data gathered from her health tracker through the glass. She stared at him.

“Is there something wrong, Vaswani?”

_Everything_ , she wanted to say. She bit it back. Clearly there was something wrong. She felt wrong. Something had disturbed her and she could not determine what it was, and the emotion had grown so strong that even the company had begun to notice it.

“I do not wish to discuss it.”

Sanjay blinked. His face was a blank mask. “I see,” he said. “You realize whatever this is has been affecting your performance.”

“I am only human,” she said. “There will be periods where I do not perform at my most optimal.”

“Are you certain this will pass?” he asked. “Perhaps you need to see a doctor.”

“No.”

His expression grew hard. Satya’s heart pounded in her chest.

“Stress is a natural and unavoidable occurrence,” she argued. “I do not require any counseling. I will be fine.”

Sanjay stood up. “If your condition continues to deteriorate, we may have to relieve you of your duties.”

_Impossible_ , she thought. _There is no one else in the world with abilities like mine._

“It will not.”

He placed his hands behind his back. That meant he was trying to mask his frustration. “Satya…”

She’d had a plan to solve her problems. She was not neglecting the fact that her relationship with Sombra was somehow failing. She hated having to wear the tracker, and Sanjay’s displeasure, as though he were chastising an unruly child, irritated her.

“This is because I’m autistic,” she concluded, standing abruptly.

Surprise registered on his face. “You know that’s never been…”

“No,” she said. “This is all because I am autistic. You do not trust me because I am autistic. You feel the need to monitor me because I have a developmental disorder. Because my ability to socialize is impaired.”

Sanjay frowned. The diagrams on his computer screen grew steadily more erratic. Her body began to tense up, and she forced down the panic.

“I am not a _child_ , Sanjay. I do not require constant surveillance. If you respect my abilities within the company, you will end this conversation now. It would only be a detriment to force me into treatment that I do not desire. You understand as well as I do that my condition cannot be cured, and you and the rest of the company have done everything so far to accommodate me as much as possible. You know that I perform at my best when I am trusted.”

He drew his lips in a tight grimace. “You won’t tell me what’s wrong.”

Satya’s voice cracked. “Am I not allowed to have a private life? Must I disclose everything to you? If you were so concerned with my well-being, you would not deprive me of my right to privacy. I am not a prisoner within these walls.”

Sanjay shut his eyes and exhaled.

“You would persecute me on the basis of stress?”

“Fine,” he said. “I’ll let it go for today. But take care of whatever’s bothering you, or we may be forced to take further action.”

“I have been planning to do so.”

He nodded. “You are dismissed.”

She excused herself out of his office, and lost all sense of time thereafter.

 

* * *

 

Satya had plans.

She was curled up in a corner of her apartment, facing the wall, and realized she’d had an episode after she arrived home. She had been crying, and though she knew there were tears on her face, she felt nothing but an empty sense of relief.

She’d had plans. Her phone had gone off no less than six times in the preceding two hours she had lost, all from work. She ignored them.

She had known for quite some time that she had had a problem, and she was angry at herself for allowing the emotions to fester. She went to the bathroom and scrubbed her face in the mirror. She groaned aloud as she tried to tame her appearance into something presentable, and her groan echoed against the bathroom walls.

This would not do. Whatever the problem was, it needed to be fixed. Sombra was not talking to her. That was the problem. She had interfered with Satya’s routine. Her absence was oppressively felt. It was as though Satya would never see her again. Perhaps Sombra was in danger? She had few resources to utilize for Sombra’s sake. She was still subject to Vishkar for her livelihood, and she was not in a position to sacrifice her career quite yet. She didn’t know what Sombra was doing. She had sent messages, but they went unanswered. She was certain by now that Sombra was refusing to talk to her, but what for? Did Sombra no longer love her?

Her phone buzzed again, outside where she had left it on her dining table. Then it buzzed twice, in quick succession. That was unusual.

She left the bathroom to inspect her messages, and was nearly incredulous that the sender was Sombra. Her eyes scrolled through the texts Sombra had sent her.

_Fuck_ , read the first.

_Really screwed up that one_ , read the second. _I’m sorry I didn’t have time to explain. Let’s plan to meet up soon. I’ll tell you everything._

The third message read, _When do you have time?_

Satya looked up from her messages.

She had an idea.

 

* * *

 

Sombra had agreed, with some reluctance, to attend a private Vishkar gathering at which Satya was scheduled to unveil her plans for the new Hyderabad development. Sombra had already gained a certain level of access to Vishkar facilities through her contacts at Talon, though she was averse to utilize them too often. Her alias at Vishkar was a technologically savvy investor—which, given her background, was not far from the truth.

The gathering was in New Delhi, in a Vishkar-designed hotel. It was a compromise between Hyderabad, where she had wanted to host it, and Utopaea, where corporate management had wanted to host it instead. It was an unusual concession from Sanjay, who looked as though he had been concerned for her. The servers for the dinner were all human—a luxury nowadays—though the chauffeurs and custodial staff remained robotic. Blue and white diamond banners hung outside the hotel signaled the beginning of the event. Satya had been to enough of these gatherings to know exactly how to respond to attendees.

Sanjay could not attend, which was an immense relief. Sombra slipped in through the crowd, made no indication of having anything but a professional relationship with Satya when she greeted her, and slipped away to some shady corner of the hotel. Dinner was buffet-style, with an open bar; the unveiling of the plans came afterward, and once the plans had been revealed the event was over. Sombra had noted that given the open bar, many of the attendees would probably be inebriated during the actual presentation and unlikely to remember much of what she had said during it.

Satya requested that she not drink to excess, if she wished to drink at all. Looking around the room during dinner, however, she did not see Sombra anywhere. Her phone buzzed at the table.

_I’m here_ , Sombra reassured her. _Just can’t be seen getting all lovey-dovey with you in front of your coworkers, yeah? Once I see your shiny new plans and everything starts winding down, we’ll meet, right where we said we would._

Satya blinked and put her phone away.

Sombra would keep her promise this time.

She had unexpected nerves before the presentation. Her confidence from just days before was failing her. Sombra had been inconsistent in the weeks prior, and though asking her to attend a Vishkar event was not unreasonable given that many people here recognized her alias, Satya knew she had many enemies, some of which may have been in the crowd. She questioned herself about the plans, as well. There was nothing functionally wrong with them; she had made sure to include green spaces, wide open plazas, housing for every income level, and street layouts intended to facilitate the movement of traffic.

She stood up on the center stage in the middle of the auditorium, watching as people took their seats. The room had been set up two days in advance to account for all the equipment they had needed to immerse the audience in her projection. She looked around for Sombra. Surely, Sombra was here, but she could not see her. She would have to trust that she was listening.

When the room was mostly filled, the lights dimmed, and the stage beneath her hummed with a familiar blue glow. A hush came over the crowd. It was time.

“Good evening,” she greeted the audience. “As you are aware, today we are here to celebrate the creation of a new Vishkar development in Hyderabad.” She walked to the center of the platform. “Vishkar has long been recognized as an international organization. We have had successes in Haiti,” she gestured with her prosthetic arm and a projection of the development in Port-au-Prince appeared, “Liberia,” the projection was replaced with one of Monrovia, “and El Salvador,” the projection was again replaced with a view of San Salvador, “with continuing projects in China, Mexico, and Afghanistan.” She dismissed the projection with another wave of her hand. “With this upcoming project, I wish to bring the focus back to the company’s roots—to India. Hyderabad is my place of birth, and despite the growth of the region’s information technology sector, the slums have yet to be reformed.”

She gestured again, and the platform was covered in a projection of the current city of Hyderabad, shining metal skyscrapers and cramped urbans apartments alike. “I believe that if we as a nation wish to exert our economic influence, so too should we be accepting of the truth—that we are nothing without our global allies. As such, in my newest plan, I have included design influences from all over the world, including our three newest projects. Let us now hone in on the southwest corridor of the development,” she held out her hand, aligning it with a location she had marked on her visor, and gestured so that the projection on the platform blew up to encompass the entire auditorium, “where I wish to include design aspects of a unique cultural region in southern Mexico…”

 

* * *

 

Open bar lasted for another two hours, and Satya was drinking by the end of it to alleviate her stress. She was seated in the lobby watching the last of the attendees leave at half past midnight, drowsy, when she felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around.

“ _Hola_.”

Sombra had dressed in a white pantsuit, which she zealously defended once asked about it. It was admittedly cut to her figure, and it made her look like a businesswoman, but it did not suit her and she did not look happy to be wearing it. Her natural hair had been dyed brown and permed, and the rest must have been extensions.

Satya stood. “Did you see the plans?”

“Uh.” She didn’t look happy, which was an immediate indication that she had failed. “Yeah,” she said. “I did.” She pointed back to the auditorium entrance. “You…”

Satya nodded as her voice trailed off.

Sombra looked around the room. “Let’s get out of here. There’s an open area in the back where we can talk without people like…” she frowned, “looking at us and stuff.”

She followed Sombra outside to the plaza behind the lobby and sat beside her on a bench. She couldn’t read Sombra’s expression, but when Sombra clasped her flesh hand between her own, she understood that she was about to say something important to her.

“There’s a part in there,” said Sombra, making eye contact, “in your plans, that looks like Castillo. Dorado. With the circle. And… And the tower.” Her hands gripped Satya’s. “I get what you’re trying to do.”

Satya nodded, but she knew, instinctively, what Sombra wanted to tell her.

“That’s…” Sombra pursed her lips and looked away. “ _No me mires así…_ ”

Satya opened her mouth, and then hesitated. She could feel the dread building up inside of her. “I… I believe I know what you are going to say.”

She sighed and clasped Satya’s hands again. “I’m just going to say it, then: that’s not what I meant.”

Satya shut her eyes.

“It’s OK.”

“It is not OK.” She stood up and walked a few paces forward. “I misunderstood your intent.”

Sombra stood up off the bench after her. “Yeah, but it’s… It was a mistake. We all make ‘em.”

“This was more than a simple mistake.”

“I… I get it,” said Sombra. “I get what you were trying to do; that’s just…”

“It’s not what you meant.”

“You’re not going to get it all the time—”

“Sombra.” Satya turned around and looked at her. “That is not my concern.”

“Then…” She fell quiet. “What is this about?”

She had to think. “This” was about so many things. She had misunderstood. Her plan failed her. The relationship was not functioning as she believed a relationship should; Sombra was much less available to her now than at the start of their relationship, and she didn’t understand why. “I had hoped to reconcile with you.”

“Reconcile?” asked Sombra.

“You are avoiding me,” she said. “I wanted to show you how much I cared about you—I wanted to show you that I was paying attention—listening to your needs. But evidently, I misunderstood you. And now I am not certain whether… what I had believed to be the problem was the real problem at all. If I misunderstood that conversation, then perhaps you aren’t avoiding me. I don’t know,” she said, intertwining her fingers.

“Avoiding you,” said Sombra. “Of course I’m not…” She grimaced. “I guess that makes sense, yeah. And you were doing that to…” she pointed back at the hotel building, “to try to win me over?”

“Yes.”

“There’s no need,” she said, taking Satya’s hand again. “What kept me away from you—you know, it wasn’t another girl or anything—it was job stuff. Sensitive shit. Stuff I don’t want you to know about because it’s like…” She rubbed the back of her head with one hand. “It’s not your fault, what happened.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Sombra looked at her in surprise. “You don’t believe me?”

Satya opened her mouth, willing the thoughts to come to her mind faster. “You told me you were a criminal. I’m aware of that. I have no intention of telling anyone what you do for a living.”

“Yeah, but—”

“But you continue to avoid me, using that as an excuse.”

“Satya.”

“You don’t trust me,” she concluded.

“Well, no,” said Sombra, “I do, but… There’s shit I can’t tell you over text. Even two-way encrypted text. I would if I could, but…” She looked scared. “Look, I’m sorry if you’ve been getting stressed out ‘cause I’m not answering your texts.” She looked away, muttering to herself and frowning. “I…” she said after several seconds of talking to herself, “I appreciate you trying to make this work. Really. I’m sure the new development will be great.”

“But it is not what you wanted,” she said.

“No,” Sombra sighed, “it’s not.”

“Do you love me, Sombra?”

“Of course I do.” Sombra reached up and grasped her shoulders. “I came all the way here and I saw your plans and I love it, even if it’s not what I expected.” She glanced around and then kissed her on the lips, quickly. “You’re gonna do great.”

“What do you want from me, Sombra?”

“Huh?”

“If that was not it, then I am missing something,” she explained.

She grinned. “Trying to make sure I don’t run away, huh?”

“I am not convinced that I am not the one at fault for your behavior.”

“What, you think you’re not good enough for me?”

She recoiled at the notion. The words stung her ego, causing almost physical pain.

“Aw, aw shit, I didn’t…” She brushed the hair out of Satya’s face. “This isn’t about how you’re… You know that’s not the problem.” Her hand ran down Satya’s cheek and cupped her chin. “You know that’s not it.”

“I don’t,” she said, on the verge of tears.

“It’s not,” said Sombra. “It’s not. C’mon, let’s get back to your hotel. Still need to do some explaining.” Her hand slid down to Satya’s elbow. “You don’t mind me coming with you, right?”

 

* * *

 

Satya showered and changed into her bedclothes, and Sombra removed her jacket and shoes. Sombra’s explanation was of no relevance to her—Talon business, which she was always involved in and often involved large corporations or governments. Apparently Talon already had connections to Vishkar, none of which concerned Satya. Sombra was a good person, and Satya trusted her to do the right thing. In an ideal world, the law would be faultless, and all subject to it guaranteed a healthy and fulfilling life, but the world was not thus and the laws were not infallible.

“So,” said Sombra, sitting cross-legged on the bed, “that’s what happened.”

“I see.” Satya blinked, sitting on the mattress on the other side of the bed. “You consider that sensitive information?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I mean it only involves a multi-billion dollar financial firm.”

“That does not explain why—”

“Why our relationship isn’t working out, and your being autistic does?” Sombra grumbled under her breath. “You still got hang-ups about that?”

“I could be a better partner,” she said.

“Yeah,” Sombra replied, “but so could I, and I’m not autistic.”

“Then it would be easier for you.”

She groaned. “You know…”

“Sombra.”  
She sat up, almost as if by command. “Yeah?”

“I have been wondering for quite some time…” She looked at her. “You are attracted to me for reasons other than my body. Correct?”

Sombra blushed. “Well, of course! You’re brilliant,” she flicked out a finger, “and you’re successful,” she flicked out a second, “and I really believe in what you’re trying to do… Maybe you caught me staring one too many times but that don’t mean I don’t like the other parts of you.”

“Would you prefer someone who wasn’t autistic?”

“No,” she responded. “It’s _you_ , and I love you, no matter how many misunderstandings there might be between us.”

“You can’t promise me that.”

“I can’t promise you nothing for shit.”

Her words were not reassuring.

“Ah…” Sombra held up her palm to her forehead. “I mean, so long as we’re still together, we can clear those up, no? I’m still learning how to be with you, too. I don’t think there’s ever gonna be a point where we’re perfectly… It’s like any other relationship—”

“It is not.”

She pressed her lips together in frustration. “Satya, I’m not leaving you for a non-autistic person. I can’t do shit to make you not scared that I won’t do that, because you’re not gonna accept anything I say. I get that you’re frustrated, but…”

“How do you look when you’re in love?”

“Me?” Sombra pointed to herself. “I… I don’t know. I guess…” She looked to the side. “I look happy?”

“Are you happy when you’re with me?”

“Of course.”  
“Are you happy now?”

“Yes.” She paused. “With reservations. But only ‘cause you’re being difficult. I’m really glad I got to see you today.” She leaned over and grasped Satya’s arm. “And you know, right now there isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be.”

She wriggled out of Sombra’s grasp.

Sombra looked crestfallen. “Satya?”

She looked away.

“ _Querida_ , it’s all right.”

“It is not all right. There is no…” She balled her hands into fists. “There is no consistency to your behavior. I can never be sure when I will be able to see you. Sometimes, when you tell me about the matters that you are involved in, I am afraid for your life. I am trying—and I realize that you understand that I am trying—but every time you fail to make an appointment or break one of your promises or go silent for long periods of time, it becomes difficult for me to believe that you still care. It must be… It must be some fault of mine, because people enter into relationships every day, and successfully. And everything must be just so, or else I become very disturbed. I… I became very stressed in the period that you did not respond to my messages, and was threatened with the loss of my job. I do not want to have to decide between you or my career, Sombra.” She looked away, and then decided to use her real name. “░░░░░░.”

“Satya…”

“░░░░░░,” she said again, taking note of how Sombra seemed to jerk back whenever she said it.

“Yeah,” said ░░░░░░. “I get it. I’m ░░░░░░. Not Sombra. Sombra is the face I show to the world. ░░░░░░… ░░░░░░ is who I try to be around you. Want to be. If I could go back in time… Way, way back in time… I think I’d want to be ░░░░░░ and not Sombra.”

“░░░░░░.”

She winced. “Yeah, OK, OK, I got it.”

“Are you comfortable with me calling you that?”

░░░░░░ sighed. “Not really. Been trying so hard to hide it for so long and you keeping using it like it means nothing.”

“Why tell me if you did not expect me to call you by that name?”

She stood and stretched. “Because… Because I wanted you to know that I was serious about you. That I’d tell you a secret that only you’d know and no one else.”

Satya stood up off the bed and walked up next to her. “░░░░░░… You changed your name because you were trying to hide?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I’m runnin’. I’m a coward; I get it. I thought that maybe you could…” She looked down at the floor. “That maybe if I was with you, I could feel brave. Brave enough to stop hiding.”

“Why?” she asked.

“I keep telling myself, I need more time; I need more resources; I need to do more research. And I do. I think I do. But… I just… I just feel like I’m stuck being a criminal forever. And once my enemies find me, I won’t be there for you. And I can’t promise you anything because they might find me, and there’s a whole lot more of them than there are of me.”

“But you have allies.”

“But they’re not on the right side of the law,” said ░░░░░░, clutching Satya’s elbows. “You are. You create spaces—you imagine communities, societies, where no one _has_ to be a criminal. Where everyone gets what they need. Where no one has to break the law ‘cause they starving and have no other options and I love that!” Her grip on Satya’s arms tightened. “I wish I could be like that! I wish I had your smarts. Your opportunities. I wish I was born into a place where I could do that without being worried that the police was on my ass. Fuck, I hate Sombra. If I could be anyone, I would be ░░░░░░, and just ░░░░░░. In a perfect world, I wouldn’t be running away from you all the time ‘cause I’ve been a criminal since like, the age of eight. I want to be perfect, for you, because I know that’s what you want, and it kills me that I can’t.”

“Sombra,” she said. ░░░░░░ was not who she had introduced herself as, and it felt strange to speak of her and think of her by that name. “Sombra, I don’t know who this ░░░░░░ is. I only know you.”

“Yeah,” said Sombra. “And I’m a piece of shit.”

“No,” said Satya, “that is who you are to me. You are Sombra.”

“You would take a criminal over one of your law-abiding citizens?”

“Of course. Why would I agree to be in this relationship in the first place?”

“I don’t know,” she replied. “’Cause you couldn’t think of how to turn me down?”

“No,” she said again. “I can’t explain it… But I do believe that you care about me. I want to believe that you do. And I believe that you are doing what you think is just, even if you are utilizing unorthodox means to do so. I understand that extreme measures must be taken to achieve one’s goals at times, and you are ambitious in those.”

“You understand, then,” said Sombra. “You understand that I care. Then what’s the problem?”

“░░░░░░,” she said. Sombra continued to react physically to her real name being spoken. Satya paused. “Why do you want to be ░░░░░░ to me, and not Sombra? Sombra is the person I… I consented to this relationship with.”

She shrugged. “’Cause I think she’s better.”

“But that is not the person I care for.”

Sombra looked at her. “Why’d you ask?”

“Sombra is who you are to me,” she said, repeating the words in her head. “I… I don’t want anyone else. I do not want who you are trying to be. It seems dishonest.”

“All right,” said Sombra, and smiled in a way that made Satya think she was missing something again. “You gonna try being not autistic for me, then?”

“No,” said Satya. She was almost offended at the notion. “That would be…”

“ _Insincero_ ,” said Sombra. “ _Una mentira_. It would be lying. And do you know who I’m not interested in? Someone who’s trying to be something that she’s not.”

“You are referring to me,” she said. “But I am not trying to be ‘not autistic.’ I am simply trying to overcome my personal weaknesses in order to be with you. It is not comparable. I am not sacrificing a part of my identity because you find it rep…” She fell silent once she realized her error.

Sombra smiled.

Satya tried to process the last several minutes of their conversation. “Then you are telling me… You would prefer me to be autistic? To make these kinds of mistakes, because they are a product of my own thought processes and thus reflective of my identity?”

Sombra reached out and cupped her chin with both hands. “I’m telling you I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

“But that is not—”

“I don’t care,” she said. “I’m telling you I don’t care if you make mistakes. If you hadn’t done any of that, then I wouldn’t know how you feel about me. And the last thing I want you to do is avoid expressing how you feel just because you’re afraid of messing it up. You understood the important part. That’s what matters.”

Did she? She had to think. “Then you are satisfied with my efforts? You had looked disappointed earlier.”

Sombra grinned. “Are you kidding me? Maybe it’s not what I was expecting, but come to think of it, it’s so much better than what I had planned. Now whenever I go to Hyderabad, it’s like there’ll be a little piece of home waiting for me. I can’t get that anywhere else.”

Satya could feel her cheeks burn. “You did not tell me that before.”

“Well, I’m tellin’ you now.”

Sombra leaned in and kissed her. The kiss felt different this time, and when Sombra tried to pull away, Satya gripped her left shoulder, keeping her in place.

Sombra looked up at her. “Something up?”

Satya pressed their mouths together again. Sombra stiffened and made a startled noise, and stared back as Satya moved her lips against hers experimentally.

It hurt. Not precisely—it _ached_ , in her chest. That was odd, considering this was pleasurable to her as well. She slid her hand up Sombra’s neck and caressed her cheek.

Sombra looked abashed for some reason. “S… Satya?”

This was impossible. Not impossible—very frustrating. She was frustrated. That was it. She closed her eyes and took a moment to herself to think. She was elated, and yet she felt like crying at the same time. She wanted Sombra; she really did, merely being with her made her feel happy. So why the pain?

“Sombra,” she said, looking at her. “May I kiss you again?”

“Yeah,” she replied, “sure. Take as long as you need, _princesa_.”

She kissed her again, for as long as she could manage, something not quite physical throbbing and twisting inside of her as though it were about to burst from her chest, and Sombra’s hand came up to stroke her back and that only made the feeling stronger, so by the time she pulled away she felt exhausted, and indeed, upset. Or was it relief? It wasn’t any of those things, as far as she understood them. Satya stared at her.

“I love you,” she said.

It felt right to say, and she was pleased with herself for recognizing the emotion at last.

Sombra stared at her with a perplexed expression on her face, and then a second later a wide grin was spreading over her features faster than Satya had ever seen before. “Well, what do you know,” she said. “As luck would have it, someone in this very room feels the exact same way about you.”

Her eyes strayed to the bed, and then back to Sombra. She felt brave.

“Stay with me tonight,” she said. “I want to be with you.”

Sombra followed her gaze to the bed and then grabbed her arm, pulling Satya onto the bed along with her. Satya brought herself up to her knees on the mattress and looked at Sombra, who was on her back, grinning as widely as she had on their first date.

“Just for tonight?” Sombra said, brushing aside Satya’s hair. “I’ll stay with you forever.”

“Untrue,” said Satya. “You’re leaving tomorrow.”

“You know what I meant.” Her fingers ran along Satya’s scalp.

She was silent.

Sombra groaned. “Fine,” she said, stroking her hair. “I’ll stay here until you’re ready to leave. Good enough for you?”

“I will hold you to that,” said Satya, and leaned down so that Sombra could hold her, and surrendered herself to her emotions.

For the first time in many days, she slept well.

 

* * *

 

When Satya awoke the next morning, she saw that Sombra was still in bed with her, stripped down to her underwear. She stood up and changed into her day clothes, careful not to disturb her, although it seemed by the time she was done that Sombra had been watching her dress.

“Good morning,” she greeted from the bedsheets. “ _Santo dios_ , I’d sure like to do that again.” She grinned, watching her with roughly the same expression as a cat eying its prey.

“You were watching me dress,” said Satya.

“Ain’t like you got anyone else to show that off to.”

She did not know how to respond to that, so she kept quiet.

Sombra rolled out of bed and stood upright. “Still thinking about last night?”

Satya craned her neck to glance at her. “I recall you are leaving today. Where are you going?”

“Rio.” Sombra flashed her teeth in another grin. “Meeting up with a friend.”

She frowned. “Which friend?”

“ _Mi amigo_. I’ll tell you all about him when I come back. Might, uh…” She tilted her head. “Might be worth your while to meet ‘im, actually. I’ll see about setting something up.”

“Who is this man?”

“You’ll see.”

Satya exhaled. “You cannot tell me now?”

“He’s a good guy, I just… I don’t have the time to explain.”

“Sombra…”

Sombra kissed her again, which Satya enjoyed but nevertheless interpreted as an evasive maneuver.

“Enemy of Vishkar.” Sombra headed for the bathroom. “But he’s a sweetheart. I think you’ll like him.”

Before Satya could protest, she closed the door behind her.

“Oh!” she said from inside. “You’re free to join me, if you want. Shower’s big enough for two.”

Satya heard the glass doors of the shower open and shut. The water burst from the shower head a few seconds later. She placed her hand on the door handle of the bathroom, and then hesitated. She had showered last night, and had no intention of taking another right now. Surely Sombra wouldn’t attempt as audacious an act as yanking her in with her clothes on?

She shook the thought from her mind and opened the door. If she had not been prepared for it, then she would have never chosen this woman in the first place.


End file.
